"It's them, Gentlemen"

Post exam madness has resulted in the frequency reduction of “Rainy Days.” Gradually cutting down, I am standing strong at only 5 listenings per day, and, proud to say, am now listening to the “Take That, Greatest Hits” album. Yes, heaps cool.

One day into freedom, and there we all were, partaking in an industrious feat of engineering. After 45 minutes had elapsed, all hope for building an adequate “tower of strength” had been abandoned, and we had reassigned ourselves the more important task of adorning our personages with stickers. ( Note: always look at yourself in the mirror before going out, lest you suffer the same fate as some of us; walking down Jetty Rd to post a letter and wander happily around a library, becoming increasingly unsettled by the number of strange glances being thrown in said hypothetical person’s direction.)

However, this is all irrelevant, because what greater way is there to celebrate the end of weeks of incessant prodding of ones brain, than by a nice washing of car (and in my case, forehead)

It’s interesting though, despite the fact that there are oodles (a highly abused word, cruelly forced in the modern era to hide behind an “n” and thus making it synonymous with the image of drowned flour, swimming in “chicken” flavoured powder) oodles, of books on almost anything, there are no readily available guides on the “Do’s and Don’ts” of car-washing! It’s borderline astonishing! This leaves reams of people in the dark about what they should and shouldn’t do in regard to maintaining their ve-hic-le traditionally.

So, I propose we write one.

To begin;

Chapter One: Equipment

The art of cleansing one’s ve-hic-le is highly specialised, and so requires the use of fitting equipment, which is to suitably maintained, and well looked after.

The Bucket: Preferably white, and so easily smunkified, it must have a handle, metal, and seemingly comfortable when initially held. However, this is designed to misleading, because if after half an hour of hauling it about, one’s hand is not aching, something is wrong, and the entire process must be begin again, once a more appropriate water carrier has been located and utilised.

The Hose: Fairly straightforward and standard, colour is optional, and one will know if it is not being utilised properly, as if this is the case, it will remain attached to the tap. Most unsatisfactory, as then shoes will remain. dry!

The Sponge: This has has to be yellow, and refuse to let detergent leave once it has entered. This can be tested by holding aforementioned hose up to the sponge and squirting water. If soapy water is still being squeezed out of it after five repetitions, then this sponge is go! (Definitely a keeper if it ricochets the water off itself and onto you)

Drying Cloths: Can not absorb drips of water. This is not their job. They are there to spread it around, not to dry.

And finally…

The Squeegee: Used for windows, they are the ray of light when washing a ve-hic-le. I say, why stop at windows? Dry the whole car with them!

Anyways, please add to the guide! Hopefully at the end, the mysteries of car-washing will be unveiled, and we will all remember not to wear metal buckled belts while scrubbing the roof…

“Let’s kick ar…prod buttock!” – Feet of Clay, Terry Pratchett