Flamingos are Overrated

Thundering along as though friction was something for the weak of heart, Red forces the yellow behind the pin with a gentle-yet-menacing “flpff,” to a position which would take even a skilled player at least two shots to recover from. Through the deafening silence a British Accent seizes the opportunity to interject… ”Jolly good shot!” it says, and with that, the entire process begins again.

Yes, the day has come. Where once it was the celebrated stomping ground of a Flamingo-wielding Queen with a penchant for abusing hedgehogs and beheading personified cards, Croquet has become: the new “it” teenage sport.

Now, although some have foregone their opportunity to stare Alice in Wonderland in the face and say “you’re using the wrong mallet,” 20+ year 12 students have relished the opportunity to hit coloured spheres through tiny archways using only a very, very large gavel (or was that mallet?) and their extremely superior tactical skills.

Now “stalk it, STALK IT” have joined the ranks of “cool” and “like” (a word that “isn’t even slang, it just doesn’t make sense” – Dad) in the exclusive literary marvel that is: teenage vocabulary.

Not only does it enrich your language, Croquet is also therapeutic. In games such as football, (which was SO good!) rugby or soccer, aggression is not only obvious, but can also be penalised. However, in Croquet, it is actually tactical. Knocking someone else’s ball out of the way gives you another shot…”oops, knocked it too far…didn’t mean to!” It’s passive aggressive heaven!

It’s a game in which you don’t need to: run, jump over things (though there are a few “wayward” balls that can suddenly come hurtling in your direction…again with the passive aggressive :P ) be attached to another person by means of skipping rope, fall off a bike, or even walk long distances. Yet, at the same time, it is good for improving hand eye coordination, “social skills”, and frustration management (a new and improved form of “anger management”) when everyone else is standing around the pin, ball in hand, watching in amusement as your ball bounces off the archway, and somehow, defying physics, shoots off at 45 degrees towards the next field…good times.

So for all of you wondering, what is high on a teenage mind’s priority list? Formal dresses? Hasn’t even begun to enter into common room conversations. Parties or going out? Not with all the exciting study there is to do. Television or movies? Well, yes. But really, at the moment only one word is tantamount to understanding the teenage psyche, and that is: “flpff.”